throwing signs

The wedding has cancelled. Again. Having flown four hours and landed just short of midnight Central time, I checked my voicemail, and there it was. Cancelled as of 15 minutes earlier. They're very sorry. They feel awful. I know they are, and I know they do. It's not a good time, says the groom-to-be. And I'm reminded of words that I spoke just the other day: There will never be a perfect time. There is never a good time to do anything.

I'm a little frustrated right now. I'm frustrated because I love my friend. I'm frustrated because my friend's fiancé lives in NYC, and as her maid of honor I have met this guy all of once during their yearandthreequarters relationship. I'm frustrated because never in my life have I heard of a relationship fraught with so much drama. I have never seen anyone hurt someone as badly as he hurt her a few months ago, and through it all, she insisted that she loved this man and wanted to marry him and that they were going to work through their issues. And I'm frustrated because I know my friend is hanging onto this relationship with this man for dear life because she wants and craves a lasting love and partnership more than anything, and I know that (as irrational as it is) she fears this may be her last chance.

I am sure she loves him. My friend loves everybody. It's true. She could find beauty in a toadstool. I'm not so clear on whether or not he loves her. He may, although I've certainly learned through my own relationship dilemmas that two people can love each other with everything they've got and it can still not be enough. What I am pretty clear on (having watched this marriage be pushed to the back burner twice now, in addition to other things I won't go into at the moment) that she is not his highest priority, and when you're talking marriage, your relationship together SHOULD be your highest priority. Not your house, not your business, not your kid from a previous marriage when her mother is far from a deadbeat and can ably handle things for two days (as bad as they may be) so you can get married and come back right after the reception.

Now, a life partnership should not be entered into lightly, obviously - though many people do. I'm not sure why. It used to be because of unwanted pregnancy, but more and more people seem to see it as a $20k rite of passage filled with gossamer and fairies that will somehow make them a more complete person. It seems like a lot of folks who get hitched are either not aware of or unwilling to maintain the upkeep a relationship-for-life requires, especially considering when both parties are going to grow and change as individuals. But that upkeep should be a priority because it is your home: ideally that relationship should keep you grounded. It should be a rock, an anchor, a symbol, a place of rest, a source of divine inspiration and it can't be all those things if the windows need insulation and the foundation has dryrot. You have to have that foundation - all relationships need one, even friendships.

While not secular, I am a very spiritual person, and my friend is the most devout Catholic I know. So strong is her faith that her fiancé had his previous marriage annulled and embraced my friend's faith so that he could marry her, forsaking all others (key phrase, that - it doesn't just mean forsaking other women). So my friend and I - aside from a common history - have a common foundation of being dialed into a higher frequency. Sometimes it's hard to hear it, though, when we are working so hard towards our own purposes: what We want, what We must have, what We must not lose. Sometimes we are so driven by our own desires - please Lord bless this, please guide this, etc., etc., so blinded are we by our own intentions - that we can't see there may be a route to what is ultimately (unseen by our two eyes) a greater good, a greater love. We ask for guidance and yet insist on trying to walk through the woods when a clear path has opened up in front of us. I believe in signs. And when there are literally Stop and Yield signs posted all throughout the woods and you can't see those for the trees...you get my point.

I know that my friend's fiancé is under a lot of stress right now. Hell, they both are. I feel for them and I feel for their families, and I even feel bad writing this. What it comes down to, though, is there are things that I have witnessed as a third-party. These are things that I would never allow myself to say at a toast or when the priest asks if anyone has any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony for fear of ruining a beautiful day (thus tearing holes in gossamer and shooting down fairies), tarnishing the start of a what might be (with any luck at all) a marriage that could well prove all my doubts wrong. It would definitely ruin a friendship. Writing this may ruin my friendship, but by the same token I have to question whether or not my silence helps anyone. Sometimes you need someone to point out the obvious, like the clear path that's been overlooked repeatedly and the traffic light that someone installed on that big live oak over there. Yeah, it's an odd place for one, but it keeps blinking yellow. You know what a blinking yellow light means, right?